ESBS 2

I am so tired today. I feel as though I could sleep for weeks. Perhaps it's a result of a recurrence of laryngopharyngeal reflux disease, itself due to running out of lansoprazole, and in turn due to my doctors' surgery being closed all yesterday, which is finally in turn due to a strange peculiarity of Scottish society, namely, that there exist special public holidays that are limited to one city or town, and that are difficult to predict if you're not a local and your daily work takes you across several boundaries. [pause for breath]

• My head feels as though it is stuffed full of wet papier-mâché. The superfine awareness of ES is there - somewhere - but I can hardly feel it. The blunt tool of BS is also accessible. And my body registers the effects of these two consciousnesses. But my mind can scarcely acknowledge anything.

  It seems an important point to note about the physical body and how it reacts so strongly to what we're tuned into, often more so than the conscious mind. Even if I feel "I don't want to meditate, too tired to do prostrations..." (substitute whatever practice you get up to), I am still going to reap at least one benefit.

  Reminds me, in a way, of water divining, or more generally dowsing. Mental attunement using faith as a switch simply works. The body responds. The tools - the rods etc. - are mere mechanical amplifiers. How does it work? Don't know. Doesn't matter. It just does. It's harmless and useful. You keep the enabling attitude and the response bypasses your consciousness straight into the physical effect.

• Don't expect too much else of me today. I now have the lansoprazole, but I still feel like the picture at the top.
  

ESBS 1

What is ESBS? Basically another extension of Play as Being. YSBS was "You Seeing Being Seeing" - what I have called "Seeing as Being" in this blog. ESBS is "Enlightened Seeing Being Seeing". As Piet says, "Briefly, the idea is to explore in a kind of fantasy or imagination how it would be if you had a fully enlightened way of looking at the world around you, as ES replacing YS; and then to contrast that to BS. Are they the same or not? If not, what is the difference?"

• So I finally get round to my first try at this. I am at work, so I start with "You Seeing" anyway as I've found that is a good way to focus. Then, to transition to "Enlightened Seeing," I simply say, "I am an enlightened being" and the now familiar power rises in me. My mind becomes completely clear. Somewhere I hear myself say the words from a Buddhist prayer "I have the clarity of the yidam". I had expected to be carrying the "history of me" as a kind of personalisation - as an enlightened being awoken from ignorance - but I find none.

  So I switch to "Being Seeing" and there is hardly any difference. Hardly but there is something. I think later maybe there was no individualisation at all as Being, whereas ... so hard to describe ...

  Minutes I try quickly to go back to ES and find that it is the difference between seeing absolutely clearly and seeing only oneself everywhere. Perhaps that's just a play on words but there's a subtle difference in feeling.

  And now I feel that last hop in and out of ES has left me reeling - my head a little blown apart - and 'normality' hurts. I think that Enlightened Seeing is the place to be, permanently. That's where I'm going. And I can see how far along the road I am already.

• I read Adam's blog for the last few days. She is way ahead of me. Very inspiring! She has done ESBS a few times and I see similarities with my own experience. [I later add two comments to her blog, one for the 3rd and one for the 4th.]

  I slip straight into "Enlightened Seeing" and feel that powerful clarity, and... I feel this is my home, there is really no need for me to see other than this, be other than this. I skip "Being Seeing". I have no need. Now as I am typing this I think I am still solidly in that Enlightened Seeing consciousness.

  A colleague passes by - a conversation about a book - an enquiry - some advice given - we joke ... and all the time I maintain the enlightened consciousness and see a worldly emanation of me interacting in the physical and social world.

  Then I finish typing. An email notification pops up - a twinge of... what was that feeling? - and I am still floating a little above the normal awareness.

• Into Enlightened Seeing as I am sitting late at work, pretty much alone. The clear uncluttered thought of asking and deciding what to do right now. The motives of an Enlightened Being are mine.
• Enlightened Seeing. I see all that Being is. And I can feel the thoughts and minds of those others who are enlightened. We have a role to play in our illusory separation. I choose that way. It is to be done... Later I remember the esoteric astrology quotes for Capricorn and Pisces: "Lost am I in Light Supernal, yet on that light I turn my back," and "I reach my father's house, and turning back, I serve."

So what's the difference? Why is there a difference? Had I expected there to be a difference?

Well yes there is. Drawing on today's experience and the experience of the last couple of weeks, Being Seeing does not appear to be interested in the small individuals as there are no individuals. We are just thoughts of being, as are the stars and galaxies. It's amazing to see dimensions and distance fall away when Seeing as Being.

So it would have been the presumption that the enlightened being sees as Being. And yes indeed they can. And it's a necessary step for them. It's a realisation. It's life changing. But it seems to me only a prelude for what comes next. Because when one can more or less reliably get to the point of Seeing as Being, what comes next is a choice. And it seems a choice reminiscent of one in Buddhism: the way of Hinayana or the way of Mahayana. BS or ES?

Seeing as an enlightened being brings clarity of seeing, clarity of thought, clarity of motivation. You can see as Being and that brings the knowledge that you can at any moment become Being (or be become by Being). You can see the illusion and you can wear that illusion and duality lightly. Yet you also have the clear communication of the commonality of purpose with other enlightened beings. You are acting in concert with them.

It makes sense but it's not what I expected. I actually prefer it this way!

Monday already?

But that means my last blog entry was ... two clear weekdays and a weekend ago! [shakes head in disbelief]

Well, what to report? I had fun constructing a so far unnamed building and gardens on Second Life. I first started the design on Wednesday, did a prototype build on Thursday and found that the normal duplicate/drag/copy/undo/rotate technique I've been using on Second Life for a while wasn't exact enough to produce the building I wanted. On Friday, I thought of how to do the peripheries. On Saturday I redesigned the proportions, then I spent over nine hours building it, aligning each part exactly by eye and hand, and landscaping the whole area in tune with it. [photo above - unfurnished] Then on Sunday morning I added some basic seating and it was ready to show to people.

Come to think of it, that didn't leave a whole lot of time for anything else!

Seeing as Being 6

• First I see as me. I see my computer screen. I see a plane on short finals into Glasgow airport and the caterpillar tracks of a digger. And I switch to... ha! did I really think I could instantly switch to Seeing as Being today? And yet my sensitivity heightens enormously. I hear every minute sound - the cacophony of office noise and the rapid typing of two of my colleagues. And I perceive strongly their intent on feeling separate and in control. And there is a brief sense of irony as I slip past that into Seeing as Being and their separation disappears. Later I feel the bodily tingle as though I had just taken a brisk walk.
• As I am working, out of nowhere comes the sudden strong thought, "Everything is Emptiness". And I am instantly plunged from typing at a keyboard into an intense meditation where waves of energy flow through me as I become, and I emerge into a place where there is no Being and no non-Being.
• A confused mass of meditations and realisations came so fast I can't put write about them clearly. I really do have to trust that they shape me as I will not remember them. Emptiness, Seeing as Being, experience of power, knowing also that I am so close and have still to let go of something to reach Awakening - these are all part. Even the ideas of Being, of Emptiness, of becoming - these must go too. Again - bring back to the point!
  

Goals and un-goals

Something different...

"What do you want to be doing in 1 year's time, 2 year's time, 5 year's time?" This is a familiar question on company appraisal questionnaires. For years I had thought the ambitious forward looking person should have answers to at least some of those questions - at least that's what I had been told for so long. Modern society demanded it. Management training demanded it. Without goals I would be branded as dull, lazy or shiftless. And indeed I have made up answers to satisfy querulous managers in the past when in reality I have had none.

None? Really? No goals? No ambitions? Not quite. I have always wanted to be NOW. And it is hard to want to be something other than you really ARE. How do you tell your boss that "becoming a Buddha for the benefit of all" just about sums it up!? Or that your spiritual quest overrides any ideas of promotion? People like me are a problem for managers. They find us hard to motivate. And those that constantly feel the need to control everything find us unmanageable.

"Join a monastery!" I hear you say. No - here's a bigger challenge. Be like a lotus: in the world but not of the world. Wear your worldly clothes lightly. (Ring any PaB bells?) And so, when the needs of raising a family were paramount, I was able to be a very high earner and still have no attachment to ambition. Now, with family long grown and independent, it's almost as if I have "un-goals" where I progressively discover and peel away what is not real, to leave... to leave what?

... To leave only what is real, only what is worthwhile. And what is that? When all delusion has gone, what is left? Something wonderful! :)

Seeing as Being 5

In case anyone asks, yes the "Seeing as Being" is the same as Pema's "You Seeing Being Seeing". Why the different nomenclature? I think because I like the extension from Play as Being, and that it fits nicely onto one margin contents line! Anyway, after a pause, some more notes...

• I am at work, with that slightly disjointed awareness that comes from seeing colleagues as separate individuals who may at any moment attempt to interact with me. I slip into "You Seeing" and then quickly into "Being Seeing". The air becomes thick with me! Still close to the transition, I see something new - I see Being seeing me seeing! - and the thought comes, "Illusion." And then momentarily, I get the "parallel mirrors" effect as part of Storm is not immersed but observes the experience, then observes the observing... and I catch it after three reflections... and then feel the power of Me once again, and the light-headed feeling settles... and I, as Being, am absolutely still.

• Two monks were arguing about a flag. One said: `The flag is moving.'

  The other said: `The wind is moving.'

  The sixth patriarch happened to be passing by. He told them: `Not the wind, not the flag; mind is moving.'

  Mumon's Comment: The sixth patriarch said: `The wind is not moving, the flag is not moving. Mind is moving.' What did he mean? If you understand this intimately, you will see the two monks there trying to buy iron and gaining gold. The sixth patriarch could not bear to see those two dull heads, so he made such a bargain.

  Wind, flag, mind moves.
  The same understanding.
  When the mouth opens
  All are wrong.
  ~ The Gateless Gate, Koan 29.

A small miracle and a slight mishap

I have been away at a Buddhist festival and so have been unable to post anything here. However I am deeply humbled that anyone should find this simple blog worth a glance. So before I start again on the theme of the last week, please let me tell you a little about the festival and then two stories from the weekend.

I found the festival deeply meaningful. In fact it is still going on without me as I am strapped for vacation time. But I did manage to attend an empowerment of Thousand Armed Avalokiteshvara and teachings on Universal Compassion by my Root Guru, his commentary on Geshe Chekawa's Training the Mind in Seven Points. Whoa... sorry for the Buddhababble! :)

Between sessions I went to a group meditation. The objects of this meditation were the history of Avalokiteshvara and cultivating a determination to follow in his footsteps. During the meditation I felt a strong thought arise: "Take out your pendant!" To explain, I wear a silver pendant of Kuan Yin (Avalokiteshvara in female form) and it is always next to my skin. I felt for the pendant... and I found that it was already exposed and worn over my clothing, something that I did not do!

On driving home through a long forested Scottish valley, my rear tyre exploded at 70 mph and ripped through my car's metalwork. How it missed the fuel tank and how I managed to easily keep control of the car I don't know - it was quite a mess. I could not remove the tyre and waited two hours in the increasing dark for rescue services to do it for me, during which time I was food for midges! But I must have taken the Lojong training from the festival to heart, for I applied the teaching and felt only a clear mind. This stuff seems to work!