DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME

This is perverse and heretical. It could cause you a lot of damage. Please be careful. I'm not recommending you do this. But if you go ahead and do it anyway, please make sure you do it in a safe and protected environment. I did it this morning in a Buddhist gompa during a ritual. And in the chequerboard of my strengths and many weaknesses, it's just possible I'm strong enough to cope with this anyway.

What am I talking about? A perverse corruption of the 9 second Play as Being practice. First a recap about what Play as Being is about at its core. Instead of assuming that all is solid reality around us, we experiment by thinking that somehow the appearance of everything we perceive is presented to us by... well, by "Being". Whatever that means for us. And that during those 9 second meditations, we play as being Being ourselves, the thing that is doing all that presentation of appearances.

Now I'll go back to my first post in this experiment. I wrote, "It seems more accurate to say that the rest of the time is Playing as Non-Being". And Piet Hut, the founder of this project posted a comment saying, "You might say Being is playing as non-Being. And by reversing the roles, we may wake up to the mistake that was involved."

So now for the perversity. I said to myself, "What would happen if I turned this on its head?" Supposing that instead of deliberately spending 9 seconds playing as Being, I deliberately - REALLY deliberately - tried playing as NON-Being.

Now you might think all that would happen is I would just have my day-to-day consciousness. Isn't that what I was just talking about? No. That would be what happens when through laziness or ignorance we don't focus on anything else. Instead what I did was use all my powers of focus, the same laser beam focus I'd been using playing as Being, but this time focused on playing as non-being, imagining what I saw to have objective separate self-existence that I was no longer part of.

The result was horrible. It was like switching meditation from good to pure evil. I was filled with such a revulsion that I didn't know it was possible to feel. It was an insight into Hell, perhaps quite literally. I was almost lost for words. This was way beyond my current daily experience, and I'm glad I'd drawn a 9 second limit because more than that would have been far too painful.

What did this tell me? I have a whole jumble of thoughts that I need to reflect more on. But first look says we are headed in the right direction with Play as Being and also indeed I am personally with my normal religious practice. Where we've come from, it seems, is a truly dark place. And that place is inhabited. I feel we need to shine a light and throw a rope for anyone who wants to escape the sheer open-wound agony of that place.

I'll not do it again. And I don't recommend you try this at home. But more than 12 hours later I'm still reeling from the intensity of what non-being is truly like.

Playing at Knowing

Piet made a great comment to my "Saying only what I know" entry. And he's right. In fact we both know this is akin to standard Tantric practice and is usually called some variant of "Generation" or "Self-Generation". It is very powerful technique, and no wonder Piet chose it when forming the central practice of what he calls Play as Being.

I remember the lead up to the kensho. After preparatory meditation and teachings, my teacher demonstrated simple truths, ways of seeing, that were impossible to ignore but somehow, by convention, on a day-to-day basis, we do. I was left to ask the "what if"s myself. And I did. Because of had gone before, I was led to inescapable conclusions, that in turn became experiences. I felt as though I was falling ineluctably into a gravity well. And at the bottom, I saw for myself. Emptiness.

It all happened in minutes. The biggest spiritual leap in a lifetime. But why only me and not the other people in the room? And why not me before? Because of the right conditions being brought together. The right place. The right teacher. The right words she used. For me. And how many things unknown and unseen?

My Root Guru teaches many techniques. One is a visualising technique that we can use when generating Bodhichitta. It is a kind of generation practice where we transform into Buddha Shakyamuni, and he calls it Bringing the Result into the Path. It is very powerful, but when we reach the next stage of enhancing Bodhichitta using the Practice of the Four Immeasurables, he reminds us to put away our spiritual pride. If, after all, we are still on the path, we are not yet at the destination; we are not yet enlightened even though we visualised ourself to be.

So it is possible to Play, to say "what if", and to become - and to encourage others to do so. These are valuable, even indispensable, practices. But I can still see the difference between when I know and when I am playing at knowing. And if I open my mouth at that stage, I'm sure all but the most credulous can see it too! And only when I truly know with direct experience, do I feel qualified to start saying what I know, rather than playing as if I know.

Play as Being 58

There are no blog entries describing or inspired by the "9 second every 15 minutes" Play as Being meditations today. This is quite deliberate. I'm being wilful.

"Bad monk! No biscuit for you!"

Let me explain. I've had two hours sleep in total in the last two nights. And Cal wanted me to swap guardianship with her so I have to stay awake for at least another hour and a half. If I actually engage in these meditations, I shall relax so much that I might fall asleep and miss the guardian session entirely. So instead I went and started a mangrove swamp and built a Bar in the middle of the sea!

Sound weird? Yes I am! :)

Saying only what I know

We had clichés back then. Perhaps all youth cultures do. I said them myself, those well-meaning and aspiring but ultimately hollow words. Until finally they spawned a so-called New Age movement (or rather 'fashion') and they became something to gently ridicule. "We're all one, man!" was a favourite, I remember, said in later lampooning years with conspicuous peace signs, fake awe and a vacant expression.

How ironic that more than thirty years later, I should actually gain first hand experience of the truth of that favourite. Perhaps a little kensho on the way to enlightenment. Or a life-changing direct experience of emptiness. I remember holding my teacher's arms with my face streaming with tears and somehow saying, "I had no idea..."

Since then I have tried to be true to my realisations - those encountered and those still to come - by saying only what I know. Piet Hut was kind enough to write a comment to my last blog entry and it reminds me of other clichés I used to say and hear about the illusory nature of time. I rejoice in his insight but I have learnt my lesson; I will humbly wait till it is part of my personal experience before I will say aught about it.

Play as Being 56

• All things must pass. Even samsara!
• Now I have a question. Are bacteria sentient beings? If they are then it's my particular challenge to have compassion for each and every one of them. If not, then hooray for antibiotics!

Play as Being 54

• So we are sick, my fiancée and I. We were planning to go to a Buddhist festival with 3,000 other people this weekend but we have stayed away. We didn't want to make anyone else sick, especially our dear 77 year old teacher. If anyone asks me whether I am disappointed, I will reply by asking how can one be disappointed if one knows one is doing the right thing.
• Lying in bed in the dawn light. Looking out of the window and seeing the Mayflower. Feeling the cycles of nature come and go as the world turns. Why would Being present the appearance of cycles? Possibly because it throws the exceptions into sharp relief. They are surprises. And as I Play as Being I realise I love surprises!
• This the first time I've ever felt it. And such a warm surprise. So touching. I suddenly felt as though I were in a Buddhist ritual somewhere. I thought at first as though it could be one of those I am missing today. But it was 8:28 am - too early surely. And then I understood. We were in a ritual. Someone - one of our ordained Sangha friends - was including us in their prayers. My heart melted.

Play as Being 51

• Waiting brings opportunities.
  Sift through what you have and what you are.
  Pull out the weeds - strengthen the needs.
  ~ Kuan Yin Oracle, poem 76 - see also Hints for Piet Hut's Play as Being
• Whenever I am with others
  May I think of myself as the lowest of all
  And from the very depths of my heart
  May I respectfully hold others as supreme.
  ~ Eight verses for Training the Mind, Verse 2, Langri Tangpa
• Does Consciousness ring a bell?
  (Perhaps every 15 minutes for 9 seconds!)
  What are you feeling now?
  (Feeling: A mental factor whose function is to experience the pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral objects that are the ripening of one's karma.)
  

Play as Being 49

• A sea of threads in this sticky web. But now I see milestones and signposts. I learnt with joy that Kyabje Trijang Rinpoche, great teacher both to my own Root Guru and to the 14th Dalai Lama, was once incarnated as Geshe Langri Tangpa (1054-1123 CE). That name may not mean much to most people. He was often known as 'Grim Face' because of his stern expression that reflected the suffering he saw around him. He wrote a very famous Mahayana Buddhist text called "Eight verses for Training the Mind". Together with Atisha before him and Chekawa after him, he brought Lojong practice (training the mind) to a central position in Tibetan Buddhism. The way out of the web is now imprinted on the web itself!
• I have received journey reports from the path ahead. The route is strewn with boulders rolled there by a most unlikely source, but they are surmountable in the long run. And the view from further along the road is well worth the effort!
• I added a tail-piece edit to my story "My leader is a holy man".
  

Play as Being 46

• The web is sticky. Whatever we call it - Indra's net, Wyrd, or anything else - it is easy to be beguiled by its beauty, to wonder at its synchronicity, to be fascinated by the depth of its interconnectedness, to admire its tentacles, and to be utterly and completely lost in it. It is already there, we are already stuck fast, dew drops on the web, reflecting the others, evaporating in the morning warmth, coalescing in the evening cool. Such tragic beauty, such a song of suffering, this sticky web has claimed us all. I am so grateful to know there is a way out.
• Seeing the web in action - once again - is mesmerizing! This time my posting a comment to a recent Dharma the Cat brought a new contact and another exercise in upaya.
  

Play as Being 45

Continuing with Piet Hut's fascinating Play as Being project.

• Connections. Roots intertwined. A web or tapestry. Interconnectedness. Only ignorance keeps me from constantly seeing.
• In his hands, he holds a wish-fulfilling jewel. What one wish shall I wish for? What aspiration is worthy of his attention? Only one.
• I MANIFEST. I SEE.
  

Play as Being 44

• When you're in the right place with the right person doing the right thing, it feels wonderful! But wait... no matter what I feel, I am ALWAYS in the right place with the right person; my choice is simply whether or not I will do the right thing, say the right thing, and think the right things.
• The question arose, "Why would Being present this appearance of non-Being?" Perhaps this is one of those "unknowable things". I don't need to know; I just need to KNOW.
  

Play as Being 43

• Meditating when you have a migraine aura flashing away at you is an unusual experience. It arises and it passes, but while it is there it warps your vision and distorts your perception of conventional reality, like an old computer monitor that needs de-gaussing.
• Each adrift in rocky boats on a rocky ocean. Hit Home key. Fly!
  

My leader is a holy man

All the world sees my leader is a holy man. His name is known far and wide. He has done many good things. He has fought for many noble causes. He understands many things I do not. So I trust him. How can he be wrong?

Now he says he wants to cleanse our religion and remove a tradition hundreds of years old. He's very serious about it, so we all have to swear oaths – not just monks and nuns, but everyone. Not only that we won't take part in that tradition again but that we won't “share religious and material amenities of life” with those who refuse to swear.

Did you see what happened to those monks who refused to swear? No wonder they got thrown out. Now they can't even get power and food to where they're staying because companies refuse to give them the material amenities of life. Don't they know my leader is a holy man? How can he be wrong?

And that old woman! She didn't know you get an ID card when you swear the oaths. Did she really think that shops would serve her food and the basic material amenities of life if she couldn't show them that ID card? She certainly found out when the police took her away!

And my own son far away. I spoke to him on the phone last night. He hasn't sworn. He says he won't. How can he be so selfish? He knows I can't let him come home ever again if he doesn't. None of my neighbours would talk to me again. None of the shopkeepers would serve me. He keeps muttering about not have learned the lessons of the 1930s. But why can't he see my leader is a holy man? How can he be wrong?

This is no joke. If you're reading this far away then make no mistake, this is happening right now. First India, Tibet, Mongolia, Bhutan, and then the world – everyone will be cleansed according to my leader's clear vision of purity. Soon it will be on your own doorstep. All the world can see my leader is a holy man. We all trust him. How can he be wrong?

(Written as a continuation of The Rabbit's Tale and Horror.)

Edit: Monday 19th May 2008. Just to clarify a few things arising from correspondence stimulated by this story:

• The situation described does affect me personally.
• However, this holy man is not actually my leader. I have written this story from the point of view of one of his followers.
• Nevertheless, apart from that bit of storyteller's licence, everything else is absolutely true.
• You can choose whether or not you would wish to be in that follower's position. Perhaps you already are.
  

Play as Being 42

• Day 42 - a day on which to find The Ultimate Answer^TM? :)
• It all counts. Nothing is wasted.
• I look down at the palm of my hand and I see signs of age. What do I feel? Fear? No. Urgency? No. I start to study the lines and recall how 30 years or so ago I was an expert palmist. What changes do I see now in those lines that mirror the immense changes in my life? But I've let myself be distracted, so back to, "What do I feel?" ... Inevitability. Yes.
  

Horror

I don't know what to say or how to say it. The Rabbit's Tale does not even begin to describe the horror of the situation. Despite its reducing a real-life situation down to some essentials, I am almost embarrassed by the story now after learning, over the weekend, of the full scale of the persecution taking place and the deep and wide-spread suffering that is following.

I have to work out a way to tell the story. Please bear with me for a few days. I'm sure many will not believe. Many will not want to believe. Some will be upset. And I may end up cast off the hill myself. (If only it were that easy in real life for those that are suffering right now.) Why are the lessons of history so often ignored?


(I have since tried to tell the story in My leader is a holy man.)

Connection down

In a push-button society, one gets kind of used to instant gratification. And sometimes with Play as Being, I can't always seem to instantly drop the charade of everyday concerns to be with the Is-ness in the way I've grown used to. Instead, at those times, my awareness feels thick and separate. I am suddenly thrown back on myself, rather like when my Internet Service Provider goes down.

What can one do when that happens? Just get on with other things. Happily I have no TV so those other things can be productive! Whether it is my ISP connection or my PaB connection, perhaps I can take it as a message from the Universe that I need to be getting on with something else right now. I'm tempted to say, "Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible." But who can ever tell?

Of honey and cleaning glass

Inspired by Dakini's blog post.

As with many people who were used to flawless vision in their youth, the onset of presbyopia in middle age came as a bit of a shock. With that came the necessity of wearing glasses for reading and working at a computer. And like Dakini's windscreen, the glasses need regular cleaning, usually to rid them of greasy smears.

Can you imagine what my glasses would be like if I never cleaned them? Perhaps I would still be able to see through them but discerning reality would get harder and harder. Perhaps I would start confusing what was real with what was simply stuck on the glass! So to give myself comfortable vision, I need to clean them once a day.

Once a day. Hmm... Play as Being 'imposes' a 1% time tax in the form of 9 seconds in each 15 minute period. But how about over a whole day? It turns out that 10 minutes over a waking day is also 1%. If Play as Being is cleaning my windscreen, perhaps my 10 minute morning altar offering ritual is cleaning my glasses. Both leave me deeply refreshed and energised. Both leave me cleansed. And that's before the possibility of adding extra 'formal' meditation time.

So add them up and it's 2% of my time. Now the big question. What about the other 98%?

Let me tell you a secret. Take a cup of water, add a teaspoon of honey, and stir. Does the water taste sweet? You bet it does! Yet it's 98% water and just 2% honey. In the same way, that 2% of my time spent 'cleaning glass' sweetens the whole of the rest of my day!

Play as Being 38

• In Second Life, I would often wander round thinking, "How many prims in that building or object? How did they build it?" Later I might try and emulate it. Then I would find myself looking around in Real Life and doing something similar, thinking, "If I were to build a replica of that object in Second Life, what prims and textures would I use?"
  
  Today I thought something else. I walked to my car and it felt that I was walking on a landscape of real prims. I could feel their hollowness and, as I drove, I wondered at the repertoire of prims that Being used to present that appearance. It was like a secret discovery, unmasking the perpetrator behind a huge fraud, and yet being able to share silently in the joke.


• I feel a lightness and poise, as though I could sweep my hand gracefully across my computer screen and it could pass right through, as though the molecules of one could dissolve into the other with no beginning, end or separation. Instead, I choose convention, and sip from what I choose to believe is a cup of ice cold water. So refreshing!
  

Play as Being 37

• I am perched on the skin of an apple, incredibly thin, immensely vulnerable, fragile and accepting, knowing this could be all, now, today, and never else, seeing separation and feeling none, extending awareness under the icy blue haze of a Scottish sky, going home, coming home, undoing, and being all.
• "I used to be clairvoyant, but I could see no future in it..." :)
  

Play as Being 36

Continuing Piet Hut's Play as Being practice after a break. Why not try it?

• A 9 second break. I shed all stress like slurry. All aspiration towards non-virtuous objects ceases. Attachment disappears. I AM. No stories. No dissertations. No musings. Just Being. What a blessing!
• In the clear consciousness of a 9 second meditation, I have a feeling: this is a great time, an important time, where many changes flow together. It is a time of great knowing. A moment, in many senses of the word.
• "Come to the edge."
      "We might fall."
  "Come to the edge."
       "It’s too high!"
  "COME TO THE EDGE!"
    And they came,
    and he pushed,
    and they flew.
      ~ Christopher Logue, English poet (1926- )
  

A rabbit's tale

Once upon a time there was a hill full of rabbits. This particular hill had a king rabbit. One day the king rabbit called a meeting and all the other rabbits who lived on that hill came along.

"This meeting is about the food we eat," said the king rabbit. There was a murmur of excitement because rabbits love their food.

"All of us eat lettuce," said the king rabbit, "but some of us also eat carrots." The other rabbits nodded at each other in agreement. They could see they had a wise rabbit for a king.

"I used to eat carrots," continued the king rabbit, "but now I have stopped. Carrots are bad for me. I don't like them any more. Therefore I want you all to stop eating them."

There was a sudden shocked silence, and then many of the other rabbits began talking at once.
"But we like carrots! ..."
"They keep my family healthy! ..."
"I never need to wear glasses because I eat carrots! ..."
"My father taught me to eat carrots! He taught you too, remember? ..."
"We've eaten carrots on this hill for 300 years and they've never done us any harm! ..."

The king rabbit heard the commotion and he spoke again.
"Let's have a vote," he said. "I want you all to sign this piece of paper - twice."

All the rabbits crowded closer.

"First of all you have to sign your name saying whether or not you want to keep on eating carrots," said the king rabbit.

"Then," he continued, "you have to sign saying whether or not you want all the carrot eating rabbits thrown off the hill!"

Now aren't you glad you're not a rabbit. Or are you?


(This story is continued in Horror and My leader is a holy man.)

Priorities and habit forming

From a spiritual point of view, doing something in a particular way with a particular intent is habit forming. The repercussions, good or bad, that stem from those actions, are therefore more likely to occur in the future, simply because of this increasing tendency. Psychologically this makes sense too. People say someone is "set in their ways" or even "in a rut".

I spent nearly seven hours on Saturday at Dharma class, including the short journey to and fro. For part of that time I was in discussion with someone about meditating, or rather they were admitting to me that lack of meditation was their problem. We both enthused about the effects of morning meditations, but somehow my colleague said they always found other things to do with their time - like an extra half hour of sleep. And so a tendency sets in.

I related to them a quote I had heard from Dr. Susan Jeffers that goes something like: "If we keep on doing what we've done, we'll keep on getting what we've got." My colleague noted this down gratefully. This morning, in the bath, I thought of another quote. I can't remember who said or wrote it but it's even more stark. "When we say to someone, 'I don't have time,' what we're really saying is, 'I value something else more.'"

The path ahead

I think I have a need, a need to feel as though I'm on a journey. I think I need know that there are Stages of the Path and to hear journey reports from fellow travellers who are journeying ahead of me.

Perhaps, for me, playtime is over. I've discovered a lot and I've had a lot of fun, but I see opportunity slipping away with every minute. I feel I need to walk that path now.

This does not mean I'll proceed with deadly seriousness. My steps are light not trudging. Nor does it mean that I will put play away or avoid it, for I see this as a Joyful Path.

I'll send journey reports! :)

Play as Being 32

• Breathing in the imagined scent of rose petals.
• Just breathing, or being breathed, or being both breath and breather.
  

Play as Being 31

• I reject the short term view. It may be conventional and pragmatic but it has brought endless suffering. Now is the time to stop. I embrace the long term view, the essence of Being.
• There is no escape. I have to do this sooner or later.