Seeing as Being 6

• First I see as me. I see my computer screen. I see a plane on short finals into Glasgow airport and the caterpillar tracks of a digger. And I switch to... ha! did I really think I could instantly switch to Seeing as Being today? And yet my sensitivity heightens enormously. I hear every minute sound - the cacophony of office noise and the rapid typing of two of my colleagues. And I perceive strongly their intent on feeling separate and in control. And there is a brief sense of irony as I slip past that into Seeing as Being and their separation disappears. Later I feel the bodily tingle as though I had just taken a brisk walk.
• As I am working, out of nowhere comes the sudden strong thought, "Everything is Emptiness". And I am instantly plunged from typing at a keyboard into an intense meditation where waves of energy flow through me as I become, and I emerge into a place where there is no Being and no non-Being.
• A confused mass of meditations and realisations came so fast I can't put write about them clearly. I really do have to trust that they shape me as I will not remember them. Emptiness, Seeing as Being, experience of power, knowing also that I am so close and have still to let go of something to reach Awakening - these are all part. Even the ideas of Being, of Emptiness, of becoming - these must go too. Again - bring back to the point!
  

Goals and un-goals

Something different...

"What do you want to be doing in 1 year's time, 2 year's time, 5 year's time?" This is a familiar question on company appraisal questionnaires. For years I had thought the ambitious forward looking person should have answers to at least some of those questions - at least that's what I had been told for so long. Modern society demanded it. Management training demanded it. Without goals I would be branded as dull, lazy or shiftless. And indeed I have made up answers to satisfy querulous managers in the past when in reality I have had none.

None? Really? No goals? No ambitions? Not quite. I have always wanted to be NOW. And it is hard to want to be something other than you really ARE. How do you tell your boss that "becoming a Buddha for the benefit of all" just about sums it up!? Or that your spiritual quest overrides any ideas of promotion? People like me are a problem for managers. They find us hard to motivate. And those that constantly feel the need to control everything find us unmanageable.

"Join a monastery!" I hear you say. No - here's a bigger challenge. Be like a lotus: in the world but not of the world. Wear your worldly clothes lightly. (Ring any PaB bells?) And so, when the needs of raising a family were paramount, I was able to be a very high earner and still have no attachment to ambition. Now, with family long grown and independent, it's almost as if I have "un-goals" where I progressively discover and peel away what is not real, to leave... to leave what?

... To leave only what is real, only what is worthwhile. And what is that? When all delusion has gone, what is left? Something wonderful! :)

Seeing as Being 5

In case anyone asks, yes the "Seeing as Being" is the same as Pema's "You Seeing Being Seeing". Why the different nomenclature? I think because I like the extension from Play as Being, and that it fits nicely onto one margin contents line! Anyway, after a pause, some more notes...

• I am at work, with that slightly disjointed awareness that comes from seeing colleagues as separate individuals who may at any moment attempt to interact with me. I slip into "You Seeing" and then quickly into "Being Seeing". The air becomes thick with me! Still close to the transition, I see something new - I see Being seeing me seeing! - and the thought comes, "Illusion." And then momentarily, I get the "parallel mirrors" effect as part of Storm is not immersed but observes the experience, then observes the observing... and I catch it after three reflections... and then feel the power of Me once again, and the light-headed feeling settles... and I, as Being, am absolutely still.

• Two monks were arguing about a flag. One said: `The flag is moving.'

  The other said: `The wind is moving.'

  The sixth patriarch happened to be passing by. He told them: `Not the wind, not the flag; mind is moving.'

  Mumon's Comment: The sixth patriarch said: `The wind is not moving, the flag is not moving. Mind is moving.' What did he mean? If you understand this intimately, you will see the two monks there trying to buy iron and gaining gold. The sixth patriarch could not bear to see those two dull heads, so he made such a bargain.

  Wind, flag, mind moves.
  The same understanding.
  When the mouth opens
  All are wrong.
  ~ The Gateless Gate, Koan 29.

A small miracle and a slight mishap

I have been away at a Buddhist festival and so have been unable to post anything here. However I am deeply humbled that anyone should find this simple blog worth a glance. So before I start again on the theme of the last week, please let me tell you a little about the festival and then two stories from the weekend.

I found the festival deeply meaningful. In fact it is still going on without me as I am strapped for vacation time. But I did manage to attend an empowerment of Thousand Armed Avalokiteshvara and teachings on Universal Compassion by my Root Guru, his commentary on Geshe Chekawa's Training the Mind in Seven Points. Whoa... sorry for the Buddhababble! :)

Between sessions I went to a group meditation. The objects of this meditation were the history of Avalokiteshvara and cultivating a determination to follow in his footsteps. During the meditation I felt a strong thought arise: "Take out your pendant!" To explain, I wear a silver pendant of Kuan Yin (Avalokiteshvara in female form) and it is always next to my skin. I felt for the pendant... and I found that it was already exposed and worn over my clothing, something that I did not do!

On driving home through a long forested Scottish valley, my rear tyre exploded at 70 mph and ripped through my car's metalwork. How it missed the fuel tank and how I managed to easily keep control of the car I don't know - it was quite a mess. I could not remove the tyre and waited two hours in the increasing dark for rescue services to do it for me, during which time I was food for midges! But I must have taken the Lojong training from the festival to heart, for I applied the teaching and felt only a clear mind. This stuff seems to work!

Seeing as Being 4

• At home I can short cut this and go straight to Seeing as Being. Here at work, that's perhaps too ambitious, and the initial stage suggested by Piet, of first being conscious of my own seeing (the "cone" of vision), seems to be essential preparation. That must say something about the consciousness I have at work! I hold onto this thought a little to type it later (so that I can maybe offer some more thorough signposts to others also treading this way) and I hover between the two awarenesses, neither in one totally nor the other, feeling the sense of perspective that Seeing as Being brings, but not with same immersion as yesterday. And yet, as I type this, it still feels as though the top of my head has lifted off! So that gives me a choice in future runs of Seeing as Being. Do I try to maintain this non-immersed approach so that I can remember more? Or do I go for full immersion and risk not remembering everything? Answer: I'll go for the full immersion, because without that, what will I really have to write about anyway?
• Today, I feel like a lightweight (so far) compared to other days on this! The first stage of me-Seeing does its job for me again as I'm still at my normal place of work. Good. As I switch to Being-Seeing I feel the awareness and power emerging and rising up through me, brushing aside the petty me, and... oh! I lose it in observation - observation of the experience (classic meditation separation), and observation of my surroundings (is person X approaching me to chat or are they just passing by?). Mere seconds pass. But, once again, it still feels as though the top of my head has lifted off. (Dear reader, you will be becoming bored by that phrase!) And, once again, that feeling lasts for a long time - way past the next 15 minute interval.
  

Seeing as Being 3

• OK. This works. I am at work again, somewhere midway between trepidation after yesterday's experiences at work, encouragement after yesterday's experiences at home, and commitment to go through with the experiment. What I see as Being is vast: this world and worlds far beyond, with the events of this small life, labelled 'Storm', as very small in proportion. Then Being turns its gaze on the beings scurrying in their self-contained separateness and a deep feeling of sadness emerges. Somewhere Storm sees the drivers in their cars and shoppers at the mall and recognises the sadness as the same compassion that came with a direct experience of Emptiness. Then I am pulling out of this and I feel the transition start to hurt, as it did yesterday, and instead I go back briefly to the Seeing and ride the experience more naturally and slowly out, like a surfer on an incoming wave. I am back. And my boss has a question for me.
• Connected? No. That still implies separation. Become. One. All that was connected is me. And returning, hovering back on the edge, all my concerns are trivia, and this blog is nothing in proportion.
• Listening as well as Seeing... What am I, as Being, doing?! It is like being on an aircraft: all the noises. The air-conditioning sounds like the efflux roar of jet engines. The hum of fluorescent lights sounds like a cockpit buzzer constantly alarming. Why have I created this? Because the parts of me yet to be aware need it at the moment. Storm stays half in and half out of this awareness for some time.
• Before Playing as Being, a tree is a tree and a mountain is a mountain. While Playing as Being, things become a little confused. After Playing as Being, a tree is a tree and a mountain is a mountain. ;-)
• Back home again. 1:15pm SLT. In the Pavilion in Second Life. The bell rings. I see as Being. Separation disappears. Form disappears... Minutes later, I am surfing back to the conventional view and rejoining the crowd in the Pavilion with a clear thought: whoever wrote the Heart Sutra has been here too.
• (I observe that it now takes nearly a full 15 minutes to experience Seeing as Being and write a blog entry. And then the bell goes again!)
• (This is between Seeings. I missed 1:30pm SLT. It is now 1:35.) I feel different. It is more than poise. I'm trying to describe it without saying the words I know I am going to say anyway. Which I shall now say. I feel "in command", quietly and calmly in command. Of my bodily movements. Of my mind. Of my place as part of Being. It is almost an imperious control. A feeling of power, directed power, that knows where and why is being directed: Wisdom and Power combined. Words are such poor tools! The more I say, the more I take away from the experience. A further 15 minutes and the feeling has partly faded. But this all from a few seconds 40 minutes before. Enough of commentary! Back to experience!
  

Seeing as Being 2

• I am at work, sitting at my desk in an almost empty open-plan office, starting the exercise of seeing as Being. As I engage, from somewhere a turbulent mind objects to the sudden depth. And I listen to that mind, hearing its common sense, allowing it to persuade me that a wet face in the office may not be a 'good' thing, and I hover on the edge of seeing as Being, only lightly becoming it, and I feel very calm.
• This is hard to do at work. I am merging, submerging, becoming and unbecoming... and trying to deal with emails, and people, and... ! So what's different from Play as Being practice? I said yesterday it wasn't different, but it is. The extent to which I am losing me and being Being seems much greater. It is actually exhausting to snap back into limited awareness and deal with what others demand of me. I'm not sure I can keep making the transition backwards and forwards. It's the transitions that are causing the damage. So I have four options: (1) Abandon the practice, (2) Continue for a while to see if things sort themselves out, (3) Restrict the practice to when I'm in less chaotic surroundings, or (4) Do the practice all the time - really! I'm going to try option 2 for a bit longer. Then we'll see!
• Made it through another exercise. Phew! Feeling a little disoriented on return. Eyes moist.
• Much later. At home. 1:15pm SLT. In the Pavilion in Second Life. The bell went off. And... I SAW as Being. A wave of power swept into me. I WAS that power. Merciless power. Power that could wipe all trivia aside. Vajrapani-like power... I'm back now and I'm safe. And happy. I can do this. :)
• Another bell. And more power. It seems to stay with me this time. I am surrounded by my friends in Second Life, yet I feel as I could sweep my hand slowly and build and destroy universes. Vastness.
• I have a better description for the power. It may sound pretentious. Chapter 11 of the Bhagavad Gita describes the vision of the cosmic form of Krishna. It is possible to BE that vision. This may not be what Oppenheimer meant when he spoke his famous quote, but now I know the experience.
  

Seeing as Being 1

This is a progression from existing Play as Being practice. Piet Hut has suggested this extension, but actually it turns out that this is pretty much what I've been doing all along so far anyway! (Is that an "Oops! Sorry - jumped the gun!" or a "Good! Hooray - I've been getting something right!" :) More details of this when the Play as Being Wiki has been updated with details of this extension. At the moment it is only publicly in the chat log here.

• I feel solid. Everything feels solid. But not physically solid! And not separately solid. There seems no boundary between me and everything else. "I" seems inappropriate. And yet there seems a flow of one thing into another, one part of this "Being" into another, like an ocean current.
• Being is breathing. Being is seeing... myself. Everywhere: me.
• Have you ever let someone else look through your eyes? I have. Even with someone you trust it's exhausting and it feels strange. This doesn't feel strange. I sit in a darkened room in front of a window. It is night outside. In the window I see the reflection of myself, illuminated by the screen of my laptop. My reflection seems separate and 8 feet away from me, and then suddenly I become it, we merge - it is powerful. I am Being, looking in, looking out. I feel tears run down my face.

Cohort

Eeek! Three days without a blog entry! And no, that is fake angst: I am not really bothered!

So what have I been doing? If I said "being", would that be too glib? If I said playing as being, would that be too predictable? If I said building stuff and generally helping on Second Life, would that sound too ephemeral? If I said studying Dharma and accumulating merit, would that sound too self-involved? Well these things are not presented for anyone to judge! But do let me tell you of one thing...

I have the good fortune to have a fabulous fiancée. We met on Second Life. We have met many times in Real Life. We both practise the same Buddhist tradition. And we are currently awaiting completion of a US visa petition. That's because we currently live more than 4,000 miles apart and want to be together! It's a lesson in patience for us and hopefully in six months time things will be sorted out.

We both attend Dharma classes in our currently separate cities, and both classes are taking summer recess. And yet we love to study. Moreover, we love to study together. And so one of the things we are doing, during the summer and for this year only while we still have to be apart, is to set ourselves a book to read. We read a chapter at a time and discuss it over Skype. Wonderful!

So she is my cohort. Or together we make a cohort, marching together towards...

...well, why do people travel together? For support. For company. For pleasure. For inspiration. To share teachings. To help each other reach the shared goal. To reach that goal faster and more surely than alone. These are some of the benefits of Sangha. No wonder Sangha is one of the Three Jewels!

Half-birthday

No it's not my half-birthday today. That would have been five months ago. Ish. But I remember my half-birthday from last year, 17 months ago, distinctly.

What's a half-birthday? It's the date exactly 6 months from your birthday. I encouraged them in my family, partly because two of my daughters had birthdays exactly 6 months apart. Half-birthday presents are fun. They are about sharing. For example, give someone half a box of chocolates and eat the other half yourself! You get the picture... :)

So what happened 17 months ago? It was a particularly difficult time for me with great upheavals in personal circumstances looming. But I was given the blessing of a new relationship with someone who was to become my partner in every way, including spiritually. And right at that time, when life-changing decisions were being taken, I found it was my half-birthday. And it set me thinking.

I remember having dinner with one of my daughters that night. I described to her whom I had met and how amazing it was. And I mentioned it was my half-birthday today but that this one was special. I told her that some years ago I had had a vision of my own death. In that vision I was 91 years old. Today I was 54½ years old and I had realised that that was exactly halfway between 18 and 91 years old. In Britain, the 18th birthday marks the start of recognised adulthood, so today I was exactly halfway through my adult life. Far from being 'over the hill', I told her, it was all in front of me.

Now zooming out to see this life of one of many, I see the opportunity I have day by day to make a difference, to my future and to the future of others. Not too old, never too old, to make the most of every day on the road to Buddhahood, to become a Buddha for the benefit of all. All part of the continuum. The vision of 91 years could have been wrong and today could be the last - for now - but [shrugs] so what? Today could be the day!

In Living Meaningfully, Dying Joyfully, my teacher - Geshe Kelsang Gyatso - says:

"The Kadampa Teachers say that there is no use in being afraid when we are on our deathbed and about to die; the time to fear death is while we are young. Most people do the reverse. While they are young they think ‘I shall not die’, and they live recklessly without concern for death; but when death comes they are terrified.

If we develop fear of death right now, we shall use our life meaningfully by engaging in virtuous actions and avoiding non-virtuous actions, thus creating the cause to take a fortunate rebirth. When death actually comes we shall feel like a child returning to the home of its parents, and pass away joyfully, without fear."

Why did I write all this? Because I read about Bunan Unsui's practice in his blog "A Year to Live" and was inspired. I applaud him in his endeavour and I shall follow it with interest. May it benefit all sentient beings.

Reality check

Sometimes I look at my own progress and think I'm not making much headway. This can be in Play as Being, or it can be in one of several Buddhist disciplines that I am engaged in. Or I can be taking a long hard look at myself, seeing my weaknesses, and seeing how much I sometimes lack the determination to address those weaknesses.

There's a trap here that's easy to fall into in a society that is becoming increasingly obsessed with monitoring and evaluation. That trap involves relying on other people's judgements, both of how we're doing and - much more important - of what we should be working on anyway. Even if I had ever wanted to be like them - and believe me I don't - their judgemental attitude is corrosive; it can wear you down and seep through your skin.

Sometimes it helps to see the petty priorities of others, not as a threat, nor as an excuse for one-upmanship, but as a indicator that - actually - I AM making progress. It's a reality check. Their anger and stress is not for me, no matter how much I might think I want their money! I can opt out of the priorities they want to judge me by.

It bears reminding myself of a quote by motivational speaker Susan Fowler Woodring. The first time I read this I was deeply shocked; its truth pierced me deeply. "People without goals will be used by people with goals." That also means that without a clear view of ourselves we will be manipulated by others who want to impose their distorted views of us, on us.

And perhaps I should also start believing more of what dear friends and loved ones have been saying to me for years! They don't have to encourage me as they do, yet they still do. That can be a very pleasant reality check!

Short staffed

Shuzan held out his short staff...

Mumon said, "If you call this a short staff, you oppose its reality. If you do not call it a short staff, you ignore the fact. It cannot be expressed with words and it cannot be expressed without words. Now say quickly what it is."

Physical sensations

I sometimes take for granted the kinds of physical sensations that the 9 second Play as Being meditations bring. I've only mentioned the depth of relaxation and the sense of poise occasionally before.

Sometimes we filter out these simple things and instead we only express the profound - or at least we try too. Yet for those who exist in a physical envelope, these simple things can be important too.

So why not report the sense of energised tingling I'm feeling right now, as though I had just done a short run or other bout of intense but not exhausting exercise. Yes. I think I'll do that!

Play as Being 95

• If I am Being, then I am Being here, but also I am Being on the other side of town, simultaneously. And I become that Being, one, in those places together, at the same time ... and my head seems to explode.
• Today I destroyed a building I had built, a place of strong memories and poignant feelings, a place built in love, for love. I was sad and, by my own simple test, I was suffering a delusion. The love continues and the illusion fades. Yet how many people have done this where the love has also faded? "The fact of the matter is that this world is not our home. We are travellers, passing through. We came from our previous life, and in a few years, or a few days, we shall move on to our next life. We entered this world empty-handed and alone, and we shall leave empty-handed and alone. Everything we have accumulated in this life, including our very body, will be left behind. All that we can take with us from one life to the next are the imprints of the positive and negative actions we have created." ~ Living meaningfully, dying joyfully, (Introduction), Geshe Kelsang Gyatso.
  

Nice guy

It's not every day that a member of the British Royal Family walks into your office. Genuinely nice guy too. But while here, something made me open second sight. Oh! Surprise.

In Buddhism there are beings that we perceive with our physical (or spiritual) eyes that are sometimes very different than they seem. These can be emanations of another being, perhaps of a Buddha. Well...

I thought at first I had just seen an emanation. Or something like it. But no, actually I hadn't. Kuan Yin tells me this was more like one being controlling another. And I could see the being that was doing the controlling. And it wasn't a Buddha.

Oh boy. The problems of being a seer. But that's what you get for looking.

Play as Being 93

• (In that state of self-generation, playing as being Being...)
  I CONTROL.
• There is a member of the British Royal Family in the building as I write this, coinciding with a 9 second meditation. And the thought came spontaneously through - a rather Buddhist change to the oft quoted line from the Christian Bible: "To whom much is given, much is taken away."