DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME

This is perverse and heretical. It could cause you a lot of damage. Please be careful. I'm not recommending you do this. But if you go ahead and do it anyway, please make sure you do it in a safe and protected environment. I did it this morning in a Buddhist gompa during a ritual. And in the chequerboard of my strengths and many weaknesses, it's just possible I'm strong enough to cope with this anyway.

What am I talking about? A perverse corruption of the 9 second Play as Being practice. First a recap about what Play as Being is about at its core. Instead of assuming that all is solid reality around us, we experiment by thinking that somehow the appearance of everything we perceive is presented to us by... well, by "Being". Whatever that means for us. And that during those 9 second meditations, we play as being Being ourselves, the thing that is doing all that presentation of appearances.

Now I'll go back to my first post in this experiment. I wrote, "It seems more accurate to say that the rest of the time is Playing as Non-Being". And Piet Hut, the founder of this project posted a comment saying, "You might say Being is playing as non-Being. And by reversing the roles, we may wake up to the mistake that was involved."

So now for the perversity. I said to myself, "What would happen if I turned this on its head?" Supposing that instead of deliberately spending 9 seconds playing as Being, I deliberately - REALLY deliberately - tried playing as NON-Being.

Now you might think all that would happen is I would just have my day-to-day consciousness. Isn't that what I was just talking about? No. That would be what happens when through laziness or ignorance we don't focus on anything else. Instead what I did was use all my powers of focus, the same laser beam focus I'd been using playing as Being, but this time focused on playing as non-being, imagining what I saw to have objective separate self-existence that I was no longer part of.

The result was horrible. It was like switching meditation from good to pure evil. I was filled with such a revulsion that I didn't know it was possible to feel. It was an insight into Hell, perhaps quite literally. I was almost lost for words. This was way beyond my current daily experience, and I'm glad I'd drawn a 9 second limit because more than that would have been far too painful.

What did this tell me? I have a whole jumble of thoughts that I need to reflect more on. But first look says we are headed in the right direction with Play as Being and also indeed I am personally with my normal religious practice. Where we've come from, it seems, is a truly dark place. And that place is inhabited. I feel we need to shine a light and throw a rope for anyone who wants to escape the sheer open-wound agony of that place.

I'll not do it again. And I don't recommend you try this at home. But more than 12 hours later I'm still reeling from the intensity of what non-being is truly like.

Playing at Knowing

Piet made a great comment to my "Saying only what I know" entry. And he's right. In fact we both know this is akin to standard Tantric practice and is usually called some variant of "Generation" or "Self-Generation". It is very powerful technique, and no wonder Piet chose it when forming the central practice of what he calls Play as Being.

I remember the lead up to the kensho. After preparatory meditation and teachings, my teacher demonstrated simple truths, ways of seeing, that were impossible to ignore but somehow, by convention, on a day-to-day basis, we do. I was left to ask the "what if"s myself. And I did. Because of had gone before, I was led to inescapable conclusions, that in turn became experiences. I felt as though I was falling ineluctably into a gravity well. And at the bottom, I saw for myself. Emptiness.

It all happened in minutes. The biggest spiritual leap in a lifetime. But why only me and not the other people in the room? And why not me before? Because of the right conditions being brought together. The right place. The right teacher. The right words she used. For me. And how many things unknown and unseen?

My Root Guru teaches many techniques. One is a visualising technique that we can use when generating Bodhichitta. It is a kind of generation practice where we transform into Buddha Shakyamuni, and he calls it Bringing the Result into the Path. It is very powerful, but when we reach the next stage of enhancing Bodhichitta using the Practice of the Four Immeasurables, he reminds us to put away our spiritual pride. If, after all, we are still on the path, we are not yet at the destination; we are not yet enlightened even though we visualised ourself to be.

So it is possible to Play, to say "what if", and to become - and to encourage others to do so. These are valuable, even indispensable, practices. But I can still see the difference between when I know and when I am playing at knowing. And if I open my mouth at that stage, I'm sure all but the most credulous can see it too! And only when I truly know with direct experience, do I feel qualified to start saying what I know, rather than playing as if I know.

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There are no blog entries describing or inspired by the "9 second every 15 minutes" Play as Being meditations today. This is quite deliberate. I'm being wilful.

"Bad monk! No biscuit for you!"

Let me explain. I've had two hours sleep in total in the last two nights. And Cal wanted me to swap guardianship with her so I have to stay awake for at least another hour and a half. If I actually engage in these meditations, I shall relax so much that I might fall asleep and miss the guardian session entirely. So instead I went and started a mangrove swamp and built a Bar in the middle of the sea!

Sound weird? Yes I am! :)

Saying only what I know

We had clichés back then. Perhaps all youth cultures do. I said them myself, those well-meaning and aspiring but ultimately hollow words. Until finally they spawned a so-called New Age movement (or rather 'fashion') and they became something to gently ridicule. "We're all one, man!" was a favourite, I remember, said in later lampooning years with conspicuous peace signs, fake awe and a vacant expression.

How ironic that more than thirty years later, I should actually gain first hand experience of the truth of that favourite. Perhaps a little kensho on the way to enlightenment. Or a life-changing direct experience of emptiness. I remember holding my teacher's arms with my face streaming with tears and somehow saying, "I had no idea..."

Since then I have tried to be true to my realisations - those encountered and those still to come - by saying only what I know. Piet Hut was kind enough to write a comment to my last blog entry and it reminds me of other clichés I used to say and hear about the illusory nature of time. I rejoice in his insight but I have learnt my lesson; I will humbly wait till it is part of my personal experience before I will say aught about it.

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• All things must pass. Even samsara!
• Now I have a question. Are bacteria sentient beings? If they are then it's my particular challenge to have compassion for each and every one of them. If not, then hooray for antibiotics!

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• So we are sick, my fiancée and I. We were planning to go to a Buddhist festival with 3,000 other people this weekend but we have stayed away. We didn't want to make anyone else sick, especially our dear 77 year old teacher. If anyone asks me whether I am disappointed, I will reply by asking how can one be disappointed if one knows one is doing the right thing.
• Lying in bed in the dawn light. Looking out of the window and seeing the Mayflower. Feeling the cycles of nature come and go as the world turns. Why would Being present the appearance of cycles? Possibly because it throws the exceptions into sharp relief. They are surprises. And as I Play as Being I realise I love surprises!
• This the first time I've ever felt it. And such a warm surprise. So touching. I suddenly felt as though I were in a Buddhist ritual somewhere. I thought at first as though it could be one of those I am missing today. But it was 8:28 am - too early surely. And then I understood. We were in a ritual. Someone - one of our ordained Sangha friends - was including us in their prayers. My heart melted.

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• Waiting brings opportunities.
  Sift through what you have and what you are.
  Pull out the weeds - strengthen the needs.
  ~ Kuan Yin Oracle, poem 76 - see also Hints for Piet Hut's Play as Being
• Whenever I am with others
  May I think of myself as the lowest of all
  And from the very depths of my heart
  May I respectfully hold others as supreme.
  ~ Eight verses for Training the Mind, Verse 2, Langri Tangpa
• Does Consciousness ring a bell?
  (Perhaps every 15 minutes for 9 seconds!)
  What are you feeling now?
  (Feeling: A mental factor whose function is to experience the pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral objects that are the ripening of one's karma.)