Recipe for happiness

Be kind.
Put others before self - constantly.
Have compassion for all - constantly.
And when constantly is hard - as much as you can, more and more.

~ Lokeshvara

Rejoining the mainstream

I've rarely been mainstream before. I have for so long sought out the odd, the eccentric. From games to religions, I have deliberately chosen the obscure. I have indeed pursued exotic philosophies and taken tea with weird gods.

And why? Was it because I once agreed with a quote I read long ago that the majority is, more often than not, wrong, and that I have a greater chance of finding truth away from the beaten track? Or was it because by so doing and mastering such a subject, I could simply become a big fish in a small pond?

A different wind blows through me now and drives me to action. I renounce the position of outlier and rejoin the main bell curve. I turn away from the shallows to plunge into the main current. Yet at the same time I stay like the lotus, supported by the mud but bursting through the water into the sunshine - in the world but not of the world.

Why am I doing this? Because in the mainstream I find the most suffering; I find the greatest numbers of people that need help. And even if I can make only a small difference, I have a greater chance of making that difference. I know this may seem presumptuous to some, but where would be the compassion in turning my back?

"Water nourishes all things. Cold ice and hot vapour both withhold the gift. The way of warmth is the way of life." I know I have been fire and ice for too long and helped too few. It is time for me to leave the extremes. It is time for me to become as simple and as straightforward as water.

Kindness

There is a saying, coined by a writer exactly my age, "Practice random kindness and senseless acts of beauty".

I don't agree!

There is even a "Random Acts of Kindness Day" as an unofficial holiday celebrated every September 1 in New Zealand where people are asked to do random acts of kindness for strangers or people they know.

Random?! On one day a year?! What are people doing the rest of the time!?

Kindness is something that can pervade a whole lifetime. Given the choice, and most people have the choice most of the time, why would anyone want to do anything else?

Time to talk

"Water nourishes all things.
Cold ice and hot vapour both withhold the gift.
The way of warmth is the way of life."

So says the Kuan Yin Oracle once more. And how appropriate given the last entry two months ago. Perhaps it is time to talk again, without renouncing simplicity, as who will benefit from an eternal silence?

I read Solobill Laville's "11 Presentations on no-time: No past, present or future." I have never been drawn to meditating on time. But I am been prodded to do so it seems. First I read today a post on an email list claiming that suffering comes from clinging to the present, and now Solobill's essay. My instant reaction to each was disagreement, but why? Because I live in the Now. I do so because 35 years ago, a mahatma told me, as related here, that "If you can be happy now, you can always be happy." I found out how to achieve that... and it works, in seeing contradiction to the email list statement.

I started to frame responses in my mind to each. And then I thought better of it. Solobill has the gentlest way of putting things over and I am so often aware of the problems of words meaning different things to different people. I saw no use in sorting out the terminology separately in each case.

So I went instead to experience, to the all consuming Seeing as Being exercises described here and here (and plus/minus a few posts). I figured that if there is no sense of time or timelessness or no-time in that state, then it was either conjecture or not something relevant to my current needs.

And so I slip into Being Seeing. Raw power consumes me. And then I see, almost behind everything, layers - layers of existence of everything through time, like seeing an extra spacial dimension. I catch just an instant of no separation and then...

I am out of practice! I hold this only for a short span, but the consciousness continues a little and I see my hands typing this with the time dimension as space as extra dimensions overlaid on them... I think of vapour trails but it doesn't come close.

I will meditate on this experience. Perhaps I will touch the Core again and recreate it or investigate further. But it's perfectly possible, as I did when I made the switch from Seeing as Being to Seeing as an Enlightened Being, that I may say "Very nice but there's no point to this ('this' being Seeing as Being, whether looking at time or not) - not for me, not now. It neither removes my suffering nor does it help me remove anyone else's. And that's unlike when I engage in Seeing as an Enlightened Being, which has both practical use and is a consciousness possible and usable all the time."

Simplicity

"First a crystal, cold and brilliant.
Then a sheet, thin and brittle.
Ice forms - releasing your burden, unfreezing your simplicity."

So says the Kuan Yin Oracle. And so it is with Play as Being. In both cases, it's an apparent paradox. Ice forms, but something else becomes unfrozen. You seem to fill your life with more activity (with the "9 seconds every 15 minutes" Play as Being practice), yet your life becomes less cluttered. How is this?

Burdens become held in suspension. Perspectives become clearer. A sense of proportion based on what really matters takes over. But putting aside esoteric insights for a moment, it means, very simply, that you are more ready to face where you find yourself, day to day.

Simple words

Yes it has been a long time since the last update of this blog. That will happen, dear reader, from time to time. There are many reasons why this happens. Busy-ness is often a factor of course. Laziness (who me?) may be too. Complacency (surely not!) may be another.

Of these, complacency is the most interesting for me at the moment. But is it actually complacency? When, through one's practice, one reaches a level of experience and understanding that has far exceeded anything personally experienced in the past, and when one gains deep and lasting insight into what I can only describe as my true home - a state of enlightened being, sometimes the question becomes, "No rush. Being is all. What else is there to write about?"

And yet that is what I say when I'm not in that state, not when I am in it! When in that state of enlightened being - and I dwelt there for a while whilst writing this - I have a sense of clarity and deep purpose - perhaps pure will - that totally belies the apparent hippie-like attitude of the above!

There are many people who may read this and pick it apart for evidence of duality in the writing as a pointer to the writer's lack of pure experience. To that I say, "Crap!" Is it possible to write successfully about Being or the experience of Becoming? No. These are fingers pointing at the moon. And I will be the last to cloak my words in the impenetrable intellectual claptrap used by so many. They carve out a self-selecting audience and provide only the opportunity for mental masturbation. What use is that to the average reader? And since those words are futile to describe "what is", yet simple words will suffice to hint at paths and to encourage, why not stick with simple words?

I'll do my best. :)

Thoughts on ESBS

• The drowned kitty look is slowly receding! [See previous post.] The effects are still with me though and I am still only firing on 2 cylinders. This precious human form is so fragile. One part of me is grateful for the medications, and is resigned to the obvious dependency I now seem to have on them. But behind that, and overarching all, another part of me cruises through the illusion and continues to see things as they really are.
• Had a long chat about ESBS with Piet Hut last night. It's amazing how experience unites us but words can separate! It's easy to jump on the limitations of a metaphor as though that's what the speaker really means, when actually they don't. When two people have one experience, something that is indivisible, it's expression... well, I'm falling over myself already! There's more work to do here. Piet and I have arrived at the same experience - maybe - by complementary routes. Or have we? Ha ha! Being can itself guide that next step.
• There's a box on the floor in the middle of the kitchen. Its contents are wonderful, amazing, - I've sampled them several times - and ... I keep on walking round the box the long way. Skirting it. Acknowledging its presence but putting off opening it again. Dancing around it. Jumping over it. In fact doing anything else other than sitting on the floor beside it, opening the lid and diving right inside. The label on the box says, "ESBS". What is stopping me? It's only partly comforting to know that the person who sent me the box also, on occasion, does the same dance! What is going on?
• When Being sees, there are no edges. No longer can I point to a separate thing. Neither is there an I to point. I thought of the lenticular cloud. It appears solid and stationary. You think you can point to it and say, "It's there!" But it is constantly dissolving on its trailing edge and being added to on its leading edge. Its presence is an illusion everyone can see. Click here to see an animation of a lenticular cloud.
  
• I previously touched on seeming to have the awareness of the thoughts of other enlightened beings while in the Enlightened state. Rarefied stuff eh!? Now I wonder whether that was because I shared the same mental continuum or mindstream with these other beings. If so, what does that make me?!
  

ESBS 2

I am so tired today. I feel as though I could sleep for weeks. Perhaps it's a result of a recurrence of laryngopharyngeal reflux disease, itself due to running out of lansoprazole, and in turn due to my doctors' surgery being closed all yesterday, which is finally in turn due to a strange peculiarity of Scottish society, namely, that there exist special public holidays that are limited to one city or town, and that are difficult to predict if you're not a local and your daily work takes you across several boundaries. [pause for breath]

• My head feels as though it is stuffed full of wet papier-mâché. The superfine awareness of ES is there - somewhere - but I can hardly feel it. The blunt tool of BS is also accessible. And my body registers the effects of these two consciousnesses. But my mind can scarcely acknowledge anything.

  It seems an important point to note about the physical body and how it reacts so strongly to what we're tuned into, often more so than the conscious mind. Even if I feel "I don't want to meditate, too tired to do prostrations..." (substitute whatever practice you get up to), I am still going to reap at least one benefit.

  Reminds me, in a way, of water divining, or more generally dowsing. Mental attunement using faith as a switch simply works. The body responds. The tools - the rods etc. - are mere mechanical amplifiers. How does it work? Don't know. Doesn't matter. It just does. It's harmless and useful. You keep the enabling attitude and the response bypasses your consciousness straight into the physical effect.

• Don't expect too much else of me today. I now have the lansoprazole, but I still feel like the picture at the top.
  

ESBS 1

What is ESBS? Basically another extension of Play as Being. YSBS was "You Seeing Being Seeing" - what I have called "Seeing as Being" in this blog. ESBS is "Enlightened Seeing Being Seeing". As Piet says, "Briefly, the idea is to explore in a kind of fantasy or imagination how it would be if you had a fully enlightened way of looking at the world around you, as ES replacing YS; and then to contrast that to BS. Are they the same or not? If not, what is the difference?"

• So I finally get round to my first try at this. I am at work, so I start with "You Seeing" anyway as I've found that is a good way to focus. Then, to transition to "Enlightened Seeing," I simply say, "I am an enlightened being" and the now familiar power rises in me. My mind becomes completely clear. Somewhere I hear myself say the words from a Buddhist prayer "I have the clarity of the yidam". I had expected to be carrying the "history of me" as a kind of personalisation - as an enlightened being awoken from ignorance - but I find none.

  So I switch to "Being Seeing" and there is hardly any difference. Hardly but there is something. I think later maybe there was no individualisation at all as Being, whereas ... so hard to describe ...

  Minutes I try quickly to go back to ES and find that it is the difference between seeing absolutely clearly and seeing only oneself everywhere. Perhaps that's just a play on words but there's a subtle difference in feeling.

  And now I feel that last hop in and out of ES has left me reeling - my head a little blown apart - and 'normality' hurts. I think that Enlightened Seeing is the place to be, permanently. That's where I'm going. And I can see how far along the road I am already.

• I read Adam's blog for the last few days. She is way ahead of me. Very inspiring! She has done ESBS a few times and I see similarities with my own experience. [I later add two comments to her blog, one for the 3rd and one for the 4th.]

  I slip straight into "Enlightened Seeing" and feel that powerful clarity, and... I feel this is my home, there is really no need for me to see other than this, be other than this. I skip "Being Seeing". I have no need. Now as I am typing this I think I am still solidly in that Enlightened Seeing consciousness.

  A colleague passes by - a conversation about a book - an enquiry - some advice given - we joke ... and all the time I maintain the enlightened consciousness and see a worldly emanation of me interacting in the physical and social world.

  Then I finish typing. An email notification pops up - a twinge of... what was that feeling? - and I am still floating a little above the normal awareness.

• Into Enlightened Seeing as I am sitting late at work, pretty much alone. The clear uncluttered thought of asking and deciding what to do right now. The motives of an Enlightened Being are mine.
• Enlightened Seeing. I see all that Being is. And I can feel the thoughts and minds of those others who are enlightened. We have a role to play in our illusory separation. I choose that way. It is to be done... Later I remember the esoteric astrology quotes for Capricorn and Pisces: "Lost am I in Light Supernal, yet on that light I turn my back," and "I reach my father's house, and turning back, I serve."

So what's the difference? Why is there a difference? Had I expected there to be a difference?

Well yes there is. Drawing on today's experience and the experience of the last couple of weeks, Being Seeing does not appear to be interested in the small individuals as there are no individuals. We are just thoughts of being, as are the stars and galaxies. It's amazing to see dimensions and distance fall away when Seeing as Being.

So it would have been the presumption that the enlightened being sees as Being. And yes indeed they can. And it's a necessary step for them. It's a realisation. It's life changing. But it seems to me only a prelude for what comes next. Because when one can more or less reliably get to the point of Seeing as Being, what comes next is a choice. And it seems a choice reminiscent of one in Buddhism: the way of Hinayana or the way of Mahayana. BS or ES?

Seeing as an enlightened being brings clarity of seeing, clarity of thought, clarity of motivation. You can see as Being and that brings the knowledge that you can at any moment become Being (or be become by Being). You can see the illusion and you can wear that illusion and duality lightly. Yet you also have the clear communication of the commonality of purpose with other enlightened beings. You are acting in concert with them.

It makes sense but it's not what I expected. I actually prefer it this way!

Monday already?

But that means my last blog entry was ... two clear weekdays and a weekend ago! [shakes head in disbelief]

Well, what to report? I had fun constructing a so far unnamed building and gardens on Second Life. I first started the design on Wednesday, did a prototype build on Thursday and found that the normal duplicate/drag/copy/undo/rotate technique I've been using on Second Life for a while wasn't exact enough to produce the building I wanted. On Friday, I thought of how to do the peripheries. On Saturday I redesigned the proportions, then I spent over nine hours building it, aligning each part exactly by eye and hand, and landscaping the whole area in tune with it. [photo above - unfurnished] Then on Sunday morning I added some basic seating and it was ready to show to people.

Come to think of it, that didn't leave a whole lot of time for anything else!

Seeing as Being 6

• First I see as me. I see my computer screen. I see a plane on short finals into Glasgow airport and the caterpillar tracks of a digger. And I switch to... ha! did I really think I could instantly switch to Seeing as Being today? And yet my sensitivity heightens enormously. I hear every minute sound - the cacophony of office noise and the rapid typing of two of my colleagues. And I perceive strongly their intent on feeling separate and in control. And there is a brief sense of irony as I slip past that into Seeing as Being and their separation disappears. Later I feel the bodily tingle as though I had just taken a brisk walk.
• As I am working, out of nowhere comes the sudden strong thought, "Everything is Emptiness". And I am instantly plunged from typing at a keyboard into an intense meditation where waves of energy flow through me as I become, and I emerge into a place where there is no Being and no non-Being.
• A confused mass of meditations and realisations came so fast I can't put write about them clearly. I really do have to trust that they shape me as I will not remember them. Emptiness, Seeing as Being, experience of power, knowing also that I am so close and have still to let go of something to reach Awakening - these are all part. Even the ideas of Being, of Emptiness, of becoming - these must go too. Again - bring back to the point!
  

Goals and un-goals

Something different...

"What do you want to be doing in 1 year's time, 2 year's time, 5 year's time?" This is a familiar question on company appraisal questionnaires. For years I had thought the ambitious forward looking person should have answers to at least some of those questions - at least that's what I had been told for so long. Modern society demanded it. Management training demanded it. Without goals I would be branded as dull, lazy or shiftless. And indeed I have made up answers to satisfy querulous managers in the past when in reality I have had none.

None? Really? No goals? No ambitions? Not quite. I have always wanted to be NOW. And it is hard to want to be something other than you really ARE. How do you tell your boss that "becoming a Buddha for the benefit of all" just about sums it up!? Or that your spiritual quest overrides any ideas of promotion? People like me are a problem for managers. They find us hard to motivate. And those that constantly feel the need to control everything find us unmanageable.

"Join a monastery!" I hear you say. No - here's a bigger challenge. Be like a lotus: in the world but not of the world. Wear your worldly clothes lightly. (Ring any PaB bells?) And so, when the needs of raising a family were paramount, I was able to be a very high earner and still have no attachment to ambition. Now, with family long grown and independent, it's almost as if I have "un-goals" where I progressively discover and peel away what is not real, to leave... to leave what?

... To leave only what is real, only what is worthwhile. And what is that? When all delusion has gone, what is left? Something wonderful! :)

Seeing as Being 5

In case anyone asks, yes the "Seeing as Being" is the same as Pema's "You Seeing Being Seeing". Why the different nomenclature? I think because I like the extension from Play as Being, and that it fits nicely onto one margin contents line! Anyway, after a pause, some more notes...

• I am at work, with that slightly disjointed awareness that comes from seeing colleagues as separate individuals who may at any moment attempt to interact with me. I slip into "You Seeing" and then quickly into "Being Seeing". The air becomes thick with me! Still close to the transition, I see something new - I see Being seeing me seeing! - and the thought comes, "Illusion." And then momentarily, I get the "parallel mirrors" effect as part of Storm is not immersed but observes the experience, then observes the observing... and I catch it after three reflections... and then feel the power of Me once again, and the light-headed feeling settles... and I, as Being, am absolutely still.

• Two monks were arguing about a flag. One said: `The flag is moving.'

  The other said: `The wind is moving.'

  The sixth patriarch happened to be passing by. He told them: `Not the wind, not the flag; mind is moving.'

  Mumon's Comment: The sixth patriarch said: `The wind is not moving, the flag is not moving. Mind is moving.' What did he mean? If you understand this intimately, you will see the two monks there trying to buy iron and gaining gold. The sixth patriarch could not bear to see those two dull heads, so he made such a bargain.

  Wind, flag, mind moves.
  The same understanding.
  When the mouth opens
  All are wrong.
  ~ The Gateless Gate, Koan 29.

A small miracle and a slight mishap

I have been away at a Buddhist festival and so have been unable to post anything here. However I am deeply humbled that anyone should find this simple blog worth a glance. So before I start again on the theme of the last week, please let me tell you a little about the festival and then two stories from the weekend.

I found the festival deeply meaningful. In fact it is still going on without me as I am strapped for vacation time. But I did manage to attend an empowerment of Thousand Armed Avalokiteshvara and teachings on Universal Compassion by my Root Guru, his commentary on Geshe Chekawa's Training the Mind in Seven Points. Whoa... sorry for the Buddhababble! :)

Between sessions I went to a group meditation. The objects of this meditation were the history of Avalokiteshvara and cultivating a determination to follow in his footsteps. During the meditation I felt a strong thought arise: "Take out your pendant!" To explain, I wear a silver pendant of Kuan Yin (Avalokiteshvara in female form) and it is always next to my skin. I felt for the pendant... and I found that it was already exposed and worn over my clothing, something that I did not do!

On driving home through a long forested Scottish valley, my rear tyre exploded at 70 mph and ripped through my car's metalwork. How it missed the fuel tank and how I managed to easily keep control of the car I don't know - it was quite a mess. I could not remove the tyre and waited two hours in the increasing dark for rescue services to do it for me, during which time I was food for midges! But I must have taken the Lojong training from the festival to heart, for I applied the teaching and felt only a clear mind. This stuff seems to work!

Seeing as Being 4

• At home I can short cut this and go straight to Seeing as Being. Here at work, that's perhaps too ambitious, and the initial stage suggested by Piet, of first being conscious of my own seeing (the "cone" of vision), seems to be essential preparation. That must say something about the consciousness I have at work! I hold onto this thought a little to type it later (so that I can maybe offer some more thorough signposts to others also treading this way) and I hover between the two awarenesses, neither in one totally nor the other, feeling the sense of perspective that Seeing as Being brings, but not with same immersion as yesterday. And yet, as I type this, it still feels as though the top of my head has lifted off! So that gives me a choice in future runs of Seeing as Being. Do I try to maintain this non-immersed approach so that I can remember more? Or do I go for full immersion and risk not remembering everything? Answer: I'll go for the full immersion, because without that, what will I really have to write about anyway?
• Today, I feel like a lightweight (so far) compared to other days on this! The first stage of me-Seeing does its job for me again as I'm still at my normal place of work. Good. As I switch to Being-Seeing I feel the awareness and power emerging and rising up through me, brushing aside the petty me, and... oh! I lose it in observation - observation of the experience (classic meditation separation), and observation of my surroundings (is person X approaching me to chat or are they just passing by?). Mere seconds pass. But, once again, it still feels as though the top of my head has lifted off. (Dear reader, you will be becoming bored by that phrase!) And, once again, that feeling lasts for a long time - way past the next 15 minute interval.
  

Seeing as Being 3

• OK. This works. I am at work again, somewhere midway between trepidation after yesterday's experiences at work, encouragement after yesterday's experiences at home, and commitment to go through with the experiment. What I see as Being is vast: this world and worlds far beyond, with the events of this small life, labelled 'Storm', as very small in proportion. Then Being turns its gaze on the beings scurrying in their self-contained separateness and a deep feeling of sadness emerges. Somewhere Storm sees the drivers in their cars and shoppers at the mall and recognises the sadness as the same compassion that came with a direct experience of Emptiness. Then I am pulling out of this and I feel the transition start to hurt, as it did yesterday, and instead I go back briefly to the Seeing and ride the experience more naturally and slowly out, like a surfer on an incoming wave. I am back. And my boss has a question for me.
• Connected? No. That still implies separation. Become. One. All that was connected is me. And returning, hovering back on the edge, all my concerns are trivia, and this blog is nothing in proportion.
• Listening as well as Seeing... What am I, as Being, doing?! It is like being on an aircraft: all the noises. The air-conditioning sounds like the efflux roar of jet engines. The hum of fluorescent lights sounds like a cockpit buzzer constantly alarming. Why have I created this? Because the parts of me yet to be aware need it at the moment. Storm stays half in and half out of this awareness for some time.
• Before Playing as Being, a tree is a tree and a mountain is a mountain. While Playing as Being, things become a little confused. After Playing as Being, a tree is a tree and a mountain is a mountain. ;-)
• Back home again. 1:15pm SLT. In the Pavilion in Second Life. The bell rings. I see as Being. Separation disappears. Form disappears... Minutes later, I am surfing back to the conventional view and rejoining the crowd in the Pavilion with a clear thought: whoever wrote the Heart Sutra has been here too.
• (I observe that it now takes nearly a full 15 minutes to experience Seeing as Being and write a blog entry. And then the bell goes again!)
• (This is between Seeings. I missed 1:30pm SLT. It is now 1:35.) I feel different. It is more than poise. I'm trying to describe it without saying the words I know I am going to say anyway. Which I shall now say. I feel "in command", quietly and calmly in command. Of my bodily movements. Of my mind. Of my place as part of Being. It is almost an imperious control. A feeling of power, directed power, that knows where and why is being directed: Wisdom and Power combined. Words are such poor tools! The more I say, the more I take away from the experience. A further 15 minutes and the feeling has partly faded. But this all from a few seconds 40 minutes before. Enough of commentary! Back to experience!
  

Seeing as Being 2

• I am at work, sitting at my desk in an almost empty open-plan office, starting the exercise of seeing as Being. As I engage, from somewhere a turbulent mind objects to the sudden depth. And I listen to that mind, hearing its common sense, allowing it to persuade me that a wet face in the office may not be a 'good' thing, and I hover on the edge of seeing as Being, only lightly becoming it, and I feel very calm.
• This is hard to do at work. I am merging, submerging, becoming and unbecoming... and trying to deal with emails, and people, and... ! So what's different from Play as Being practice? I said yesterday it wasn't different, but it is. The extent to which I am losing me and being Being seems much greater. It is actually exhausting to snap back into limited awareness and deal with what others demand of me. I'm not sure I can keep making the transition backwards and forwards. It's the transitions that are causing the damage. So I have four options: (1) Abandon the practice, (2) Continue for a while to see if things sort themselves out, (3) Restrict the practice to when I'm in less chaotic surroundings, or (4) Do the practice all the time - really! I'm going to try option 2 for a bit longer. Then we'll see!
• Made it through another exercise. Phew! Feeling a little disoriented on return. Eyes moist.
• Much later. At home. 1:15pm SLT. In the Pavilion in Second Life. The bell went off. And... I SAW as Being. A wave of power swept into me. I WAS that power. Merciless power. Power that could wipe all trivia aside. Vajrapani-like power... I'm back now and I'm safe. And happy. I can do this. :)
• Another bell. And more power. It seems to stay with me this time. I am surrounded by my friends in Second Life, yet I feel as I could sweep my hand slowly and build and destroy universes. Vastness.
• I have a better description for the power. It may sound pretentious. Chapter 11 of the Bhagavad Gita describes the vision of the cosmic form of Krishna. It is possible to BE that vision. This may not be what Oppenheimer meant when he spoke his famous quote, but now I know the experience.
  

Seeing as Being 1

This is a progression from existing Play as Being practice. Piet Hut has suggested this extension, but actually it turns out that this is pretty much what I've been doing all along so far anyway! (Is that an "Oops! Sorry - jumped the gun!" or a "Good! Hooray - I've been getting something right!" :) More details of this when the Play as Being Wiki has been updated with details of this extension. At the moment it is only publicly in the chat log here.

• I feel solid. Everything feels solid. But not physically solid! And not separately solid. There seems no boundary between me and everything else. "I" seems inappropriate. And yet there seems a flow of one thing into another, one part of this "Being" into another, like an ocean current.
• Being is breathing. Being is seeing... myself. Everywhere: me.
• Have you ever let someone else look through your eyes? I have. Even with someone you trust it's exhausting and it feels strange. This doesn't feel strange. I sit in a darkened room in front of a window. It is night outside. In the window I see the reflection of myself, illuminated by the screen of my laptop. My reflection seems separate and 8 feet away from me, and then suddenly I become it, we merge - it is powerful. I am Being, looking in, looking out. I feel tears run down my face.

Cohort

Eeek! Three days without a blog entry! And no, that is fake angst: I am not really bothered!

So what have I been doing? If I said "being", would that be too glib? If I said playing as being, would that be too predictable? If I said building stuff and generally helping on Second Life, would that sound too ephemeral? If I said studying Dharma and accumulating merit, would that sound too self-involved? Well these things are not presented for anyone to judge! But do let me tell you of one thing...

I have the good fortune to have a fabulous fiancée. We met on Second Life. We have met many times in Real Life. We both practise the same Buddhist tradition. And we are currently awaiting completion of a US visa petition. That's because we currently live more than 4,000 miles apart and want to be together! It's a lesson in patience for us and hopefully in six months time things will be sorted out.

We both attend Dharma classes in our currently separate cities, and both classes are taking summer recess. And yet we love to study. Moreover, we love to study together. And so one of the things we are doing, during the summer and for this year only while we still have to be apart, is to set ourselves a book to read. We read a chapter at a time and discuss it over Skype. Wonderful!

So she is my cohort. Or together we make a cohort, marching together towards...

...well, why do people travel together? For support. For company. For pleasure. For inspiration. To share teachings. To help each other reach the shared goal. To reach that goal faster and more surely than alone. These are some of the benefits of Sangha. No wonder Sangha is one of the Three Jewels!

Half-birthday

No it's not my half-birthday today. That would have been five months ago. Ish. But I remember my half-birthday from last year, 17 months ago, distinctly.

What's a half-birthday? It's the date exactly 6 months from your birthday. I encouraged them in my family, partly because two of my daughters had birthdays exactly 6 months apart. Half-birthday presents are fun. They are about sharing. For example, give someone half a box of chocolates and eat the other half yourself! You get the picture... :)

So what happened 17 months ago? It was a particularly difficult time for me with great upheavals in personal circumstances looming. But I was given the blessing of a new relationship with someone who was to become my partner in every way, including spiritually. And right at that time, when life-changing decisions were being taken, I found it was my half-birthday. And it set me thinking.

I remember having dinner with one of my daughters that night. I described to her whom I had met and how amazing it was. And I mentioned it was my half-birthday today but that this one was special. I told her that some years ago I had had a vision of my own death. In that vision I was 91 years old. Today I was 54½ years old and I had realised that that was exactly halfway between 18 and 91 years old. In Britain, the 18th birthday marks the start of recognised adulthood, so today I was exactly halfway through my adult life. Far from being 'over the hill', I told her, it was all in front of me.

Now zooming out to see this life of one of many, I see the opportunity I have day by day to make a difference, to my future and to the future of others. Not too old, never too old, to make the most of every day on the road to Buddhahood, to become a Buddha for the benefit of all. All part of the continuum. The vision of 91 years could have been wrong and today could be the last - for now - but [shrugs] so what? Today could be the day!

In Living Meaningfully, Dying Joyfully, my teacher - Geshe Kelsang Gyatso - says:

"The Kadampa Teachers say that there is no use in being afraid when we are on our deathbed and about to die; the time to fear death is while we are young. Most people do the reverse. While they are young they think ‘I shall not die’, and they live recklessly without concern for death; but when death comes they are terrified.

If we develop fear of death right now, we shall use our life meaningfully by engaging in virtuous actions and avoiding non-virtuous actions, thus creating the cause to take a fortunate rebirth. When death actually comes we shall feel like a child returning to the home of its parents, and pass away joyfully, without fear."

Why did I write all this? Because I read about Bunan Unsui's practice in his blog "A Year to Live" and was inspired. I applaud him in his endeavour and I shall follow it with interest. May it benefit all sentient beings.